My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
