The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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