i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
