Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
