i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
