Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
