we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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