Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
