So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
