my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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