Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize