I think i peed on brittanys purse
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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