I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
