she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
