my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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