she's into porn, im staying here tonight
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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