I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
