I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
