I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
no more duck duck goose at the bar
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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