his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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