New invention idea: vibrating tampons
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
