Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
