Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize