i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize