just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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