I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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