I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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