now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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