fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The cops high fived after they tackled you
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
