also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
