why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
