i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
