i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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