Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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