I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
