Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
