My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
