I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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