Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize