I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
