If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
