i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
