I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
