i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just had sex on a roof
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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