life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish you could order shots online.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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