Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i came on her dog
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
