I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
