How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
