But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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