Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
