i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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