I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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