two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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