she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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