Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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