I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
