im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
