she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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