i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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