Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize