u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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